The Wrestling Mayhem Show

Since I’m working from home today and have a little bit of time to kill I figured I’d make a fun post about my observations of an old WCW pay-per-view, and New Blood Rising is chosen this month by the good folks at WWE 24/7

Note: when I put things in quotes…these are actual things said by announcers/wrestlers……really

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Match 1: 3 Count w/ Tank Abbot vs. Jung Dragons in a Ladder Match for 3 Count’s Gold CD and Record Contract…or something

-Tank Abbot has holes cut out in his shirt so you can see his nipples.
-Apparently 3 Count needs to get their gold record back to win the match and the Jung Dragons need to get the recording contract so 3 Count can’t record another album
-Fun fact: Two of these men are employed by WWE and one by TNA
-I’m not sure if Tank Abbot is drunk or half retarded.
-It’s a shame this storyline is so stupid, because this is a really fun match to watch
-Ok so Jamie Noble just grabbed the gold record yet somehow the match isn’t over, because “he never made it to the canvas with it”
-”Don’t you understand the logic in that?” If you have to ask this to one of your fellow announcers during the match, then maybe this is too convoluted
-Evan Karagias has very awkward boy band dance moves

Backstage segment with The Cat and The Filthy Animals:

-Whoa….Rey with no mask on
-Disco is like the early version of Slam Master J

Match 2: Great Muta vs The Cat

-Wow Muta has really seen better days
-”He’s Vogueing” in regards to The Cat’s dance moves which are clearly not from Vogue
-”That’s a lame cliche ‘The marquee says wrestling’, the marquee says “try to win”" Oh how I miss you Tony
-”We want puppies” chant when Tigress walks out…thanks for that Lawler
-The ref looked right at Muta when he hit the green mist, yet no disqualification

Match 3: Buff Bagwell vs. Positively Kanyon Judy Bagwell on a Forklift Match

-First off, no I’m not kidding
-Secondly, I really wish I was
-Thirdly, Kanyon does an amazing DDP impression
-XFL sign in the crowd makes me giggle
-Fun fact: My least favorite referee ever Slick Johnson (yes, THAT Slick Johnson) is refereeing this match
-You need wire cutters to remove turnbuckle pads in WCW
-What the fuck is David Arquette doing here?
-Judy Bagwell needs a new hair stylist…badly
-David Arquette was apparently filming a movie and just decided to show up to get Kanyon Cuttered after he helped Kanyon lose

Backstage Segment: Lance Storm arrives (they’re in Canada folks)

-Lance shows up in a purple stretch limo…really

Match 4: World Tag Team Titles
Special Referees: Rey, Tigress, Disco, and Juvi (yes all of them are apparently refs)
Misfits in Action (General Hugh G Rection and Corporal Cajun) vs. Jindrak and O’Haire vs. The Perfect Event (Shawn Stasiak and Chuckie P) vs Kronik

-Konaan is on commentary, which is a blessing from the three man team
-The Perfect Event is probably the greatest and most frustrating team for DJ Lunchbox ever
-The phrase “got it like that” has been uttered 14 times in 3 minutes
-Fun fact: Only one man from this match is currently employed and he’s an outside enforcer
-I kinda like Rey as a heel…
-The only team in this match I can say I don’t actually enjoy in this is the MIA
-As if we needed more people in this match Vampiro and Muta just did a run-in
-Apparently if anyone throws a referee shirt on they are officially referees, Lt. Loco came in and knocked out Disco

Match 5: Strap Match
Shane Douglas w/ Torrie Wilson vs. Billy Kidman
-Apparently Billy has a sex tape of him and Torrie
-Only one of these matches haven’t been gimmicked so far
-”You’re a slut” chant…you stay classy Canada
-Third match in a row for a “We want Bret” chant
-”Who cares who won” way to put the match over Mark Madden
-Big Vito for the save?
-Reno in for another run-in….seriously

Backstage segment: Jeff Jarrett attacks Booker T with a car door as he arrives for the ppv

Match 6: ROTC (Rip Off The Camoflage) Major Gunns vs. Miss Hancock

-They actually said “snoochie boochies” I don’t think they know what it means
-There is a mud pit, oh thank God
-In a ROTC match apparently pinfalls still count…I assumed it was like a bra and panties match
-Wow these announcers need to get laid
-Okay so apparently this is where the Miss Hancock/David Flair baby angle was happening, Because Stacy grabbed her stomach after they went in the mud pit
-I’m kinda glad no one does mud matches anymore…oh wait TNA just did

Backstage interview with Vampiro, The Demon, and Muta

-Apparently Vampiro represents the Juggalos, yet he is backing the Demon which I always thought was a KISS fan

Match 7: The Demon vs. Sting

-WCW definitely tried to make Sting’s entrance look like Undertaker’s until he repelled down from the ceiling
-The match was shorter than it took me to type that
-Vampiro tried to hang Sting on the cord he came down on
-So this was a segment to give us another tag title match with Kronik vs Muta/Vampiro

Match 8: Mike Awesome vs. Lance Storm (complete with Canadian branded championships)

-Canadian championships have separate rules apparently
-Definitely a Canuck tease of Bret being the ref, instead we get Jaques Rougeau (he’s an all American boy…)
-I think this is for the U.S. Title, now called the Canadian Title but they never make that clear since Storm holds three championships
-Awesome is still a Fat Chick Thrilla I believe
-Ah the classic “You fucked up” chant…how I miss it so
-According to Canadian rules, a five count is required to win via pinfall “Kickout at 3 and a half”
-Also according to Canadian rules, you cannot win via submission in a championship match in Canada
-One more Canadian rule, after losing via 5 count, the person pinned has 10 seconds to get up
-Final Canadian rule, after both people go through a table, the first to get up via 10 count wins the match
-Oh hai Bret Hart

Backstage interview with Nash: “I’m going over Steiner tonight.” Wow.

Match 9: Another Tag Team Title Match
Kronik vs. Vampiro/Muta

-I’ve just been told this is an 11 match card….doesn’t that seem a bit high?
-Haha Muta just misted the ref
-Jesus Christ another run in? The Harris Brothers just cost Kronik the belts

Match 10: Three Way Dance (?) for Number One Contendership
Nash vs. Steiner vs. Goldberg

-Long close up on a “Goldberg fears Gillberg” sign
-They played Goldberg’s music twice even though “he’s not here”
-And now Goldberg runs out with taped ribs because of a “motorcycle accident”
-They actually just said Nash was on the booking committee and he will go over
-I’m think we should call this pay-per-view WCW Kay Fabe Breaking
-Goldberg has now left the ring, which brings Vince Russo out…seriously
-Russo said “Get your fucking ass back in the ring”
-”Nash was supposed to go over via the Jackknife”
-Ok Midajah came out and attack Nash and the ref, and the announcers are talking about everyone “doing their own thing” as if they were going off script
-”They’re working on the fly now” Wow…seriously?
-Nash went over Steiner, just like Nash said
-”Goldberg wouldn’t take the powerbomb” Jesus, let’s just say this is a script…

Match 11: Main Event for the WCW Title
Jeff Jarrett vs Booker T

-I wonder what the booking is on this one, since we’ve acknowledged that it’s all booked
-Referees in WCW do not know what a disqualification is, I’m convinced
-I really hate Slick Johnson
-Slick Johnson just got ref bumped by a Spinaroonie
-Nice looking Book End from the apron through a table
-Jarrett just low blowed Booker in plain sight of the ref then hit the ref with a chair, and there’s still no DQ
-This has never been announced as a no disqualification match
-WCW was really lenient about people throwing trash towards the ring

And the show is over…Jesus, that was overbooking at its finest, oh well hope you Mayhem fans enjoyed this rundown of the ppv. Let me know in the comments section or via e-mails

Peace bitches.